Craig Crayola

I met a man called Craig Crayola,

He washed himself in lemonade,

He danced about with fairy dust,

And now he's gone away.

The Horrifying Story of Hamish O’dingleberry

Licking his lips, Hamish O’dingleberry opened the fridge… then jumped back in horror! Causing his numerous layers of flab to wobble about like jelly. How could a fridge so colossal and usually as full as his, be so empty? He stared at the naked shelves in dismay, then at the mouldy old carrot in the corner of his otherwise foodless fridge. As he reached out for the carrot, knowing it was his last resort, he suddenly felt a strange feeling that he was being watched. He chose to ignore it. His fingers were centimetres away from the carrot, when he suddenly remembered that he had his “Emergency Cake Supply” stashed away in the cellar, saved for times just like this.

As Hamish plodded down the old, creaky steps into the cellar, he thought he heard someone following him. He spun round. Nothing. Hamish galloped down the rest of the stairs at lightning speed, his heart pounding as he plunged into the darkness. He heaved himself over to the light switch as fast as his stubby, little legs could carry him. He flicked it on but nothing happened. The only light was that of the moon, coming in through the tiny, square window, casting oddly shaped shadows on the far-wall and illuminating the many cracks and cobwebs.

Hamish shivered, though he could not even imagine the doom that awaited him, getting closer every… step… he took… Suddenly there was an ominous crash! Hamish spun round and to his utter disbelief, there stood… THE CARROT! Hamish opened his mouth to scream but nothing came out. “What’s so scary about a mouldy carrot?” you ask? Well, have you ever seen a mouldy old carrot with an evil grin grow from 6 inches to 30 foot in a matter of seconds, breaking though the ceiling and causing the house to fall away around you?

The carrot let his enormous, orange foot hover over Hamish for a second,

“Any last words?” the carrot asked in a low, husky voice.

“Um…”

SPLAT!

Hamish was squashed like a giant tomato.

A few hours later his wife got home. She called out his name but got no answer. She searched the house from the top to bottom, until she found Hamish dead in the cellar, lying in a pool of his own blood. His skin was ghostly white and his flesh was dry and cold. A tear rolled down her cheek and splashed to the dull grey ground. She was so caught up in her misery that she didn’t notice that the carrot – which had been lying (carrot sized) on the floor beside Hamish - started to grow. She was so deafened by her own crying that she didn’t even here the ear piercing crash as the carrot once again broke through the ceiling. She didn’t notice the house start to shake, or the enormous foot-shaped shadow which was now surrounding her.

I think you know what happened next.

THUNDER-CLAP 1

more THUNDER CLAP here

Wantii - a small hamlet in a magical leaf kingdom

I travel the world a lot, but the most exciting places are most often overlooked by human kind. This week’s article is about when I came across Wantii, a tiny hamlet in the magical leaf kingdom of ‘Vecorrinor’. I had decided to shrink myself down to about 2mm tall and explore far off places in my very fast micro spaceship/submarine. Then, after traveling for about 2 hours, I came across Wantii. It was beautiful; there were lovely little green streets and stunning architecture. The locals were very peaceful and magical and lovely. The welcomed me to Wantii with a big colourful parade of ploomidge and bloomidge. I camped in a tiny, green leaf tent on a shiny, purple petal called 'Petal Monecoverr' and as I lay there looking up at the stars and the fireflies whizzing high above. I felt an amazing sensation of inner peace. I had an epiphany. 'Wherever you are, no-matter how exotic, there are always the same stars shining beautifully way up above you, looking over you.

My super team

Once upon a time; in a French lesson, two of my friends (lets call them Bill and Ben) were forbidding me to write upon their paper because I was using pencil and they were both using pen. All I wanted to do was write the word 'snail' – what bastards… mini Hitlers! So I decided to draw a super snail (with my pencil) who could defeat them with his magical powers and that was Steven:

But as you can see he suffered an awful scribbling from Bill. And that is when I created MY SUPER TEAM (I know I know – amazing title.) it consisted of; Steven the Snail #2, Adrian the gay hammer, and Graham the big foot:

But unfortunately, Ben snuck up from behind and caught them unawares with a BIC biro. Thankfully they all survived, and after a few adjustments – they are now invincible!

Ok, the end. And if you thought it was crap – who cares? I have an army – you don’t.

the party and the rennie soft chews

Nathan the upper class coping saw was feeling a bit poorly because his blade wasn’t in properly. He couldn’t fix it himself coz he hadn’t got opposable thumbs so he called up his best friend, Alison the very sexy vole, to come and fix it for him in time for the big party. Coz Alison was a lovely vole she came over immediately and she straightened out his blade and gave him a Rennie soft chew to make him feel a little bit better.

Later they went to the big party together – it was wild. Everyone got really filthy drunk except for Adrian the gay hammer because he has a bad liver and the doctor says he can’t drink – but he got off with Jason the break-dancing spider and it was all ok. There was karaoke and everything – Alison was an amazing singer and because she was very sexy Jeff the liquidizer (a shady character) jumped up on stage and tried to bum her – but Alison was having none of it and she pelted him with spaghetti and old pink wafers until he eventually gave up and went away unsatisfied and embarrassed. At about 4:30 everyone went home, apart from Jeff who had been sent home early by security.